Support for Gay Men with Ostomies

I feel very alone. Most guys are put off by me when I tell them, it sucks!
Everything is always fine up until that point.

I feel the same way! Sometimes, when I feel blue about not having sex the way I used to, I just remind myself that I already had my day in the sun with excessive, wild, crazy sex in the past. And now that I'm in my sunset years, I can focus on other joys in life...like watching the Crazy Rhubarb Lady!

@DerbySteve ........OMG ........LMAO!!!!!!!!! ............... I am so sorry, I hope you don't mind if I chime in here but at first I had some inspiring loving words to share with you guys, which I'm sure will return to my brain as soon as I can get a grip again LOL!!!!!!!! Forgive me, it's that video that has me cracking up SO hard I nearly slid out of my chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAHAHAA!!!!!!!!! .......omg my eyes are pouring water, why is that so dang funny lmao.....I am trying to save it to my comp so I can share with a few friends ...thank goodness I have 20 acres and my own rhubarb patch ... I actually know a couple ladies like this.............this is so crazy..........I don't know if I would have called 911 on them or just maybe pulled up a lawn chair with a can of beer to enjoy the show!! HA!.......somebody turn the garden hose on 'em, lol.

My heart is sending y'all tons of love and here's hoping you find all you seek from life, and from partners.........all the words are still a scramble in my head that I had originally wanted to write........but this tired old brain now only hears the above hilarious bickering.......I think I also now have my uplifting 'fix' for the eve LOL .......Cheers!!

~DOE

That's so funny!

Yeah, lonely as hell. Where are you out there, my everything? I can't find you.

How to Manage Ostomy Leaks with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Hi AAirman

I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know what being different feels like.

Feeling alone and different is horrible. I hope that somehow things start to get better for you soon.

Hugs to hiding, have you sought out a transgender support group?

Jaystar, I can totally relate to feeling alone as a young ostomate and gay. I am in my 20's and doubt most guys can overlook it, but hoping to find the right one. You are cute too bad you live in Australia, haha.

Hello Airman.. gay guy from Australia... Have been an ostomate for 3 years.. still struggle with the loss/damage to my sex activity. Not an attractive image is it, for a sex partner to be confronted with an appliance. So my mainstay is now my health, the loss of sex has to be a secondary issue. My sex drive is the same as in the past, it's just the lack of contact, as I always wanted to be a one on one, not be a home j/off. Furthermore, I have always been very body conscious of my image, looked after myself, liked to look good and feel good, so again that is a matter I have had to deal with. If these are the same worries of yours, then let me know and we can chat about the more personal aspects. BUT, remember the health comes first! .... Cheers for now.. Robb.

Today I sent mail to AAirman. Afterwards, I came across so many letters on the sire relating to sex problems/concerns for gay men. As I only recently joined this group, I was not aware of these letters, many dating back some years, yet nothing more current than 2014 which surprised me. Many of the contributors are gay men that I would like to send mail to, so I hope this is okay with you guys. (Derbysteve, Mrbillyto, Turtlecreek1961, Transmissionman).

All letters offered encouragement and reminded AAirman that his health was most important over and above the loss of sexual activity. I know myself the impact I have had as he has, so it's not easily answered. When we do partner for sexual activity, the man with us needs to be special in the way he views the situation, how he responds to it, and can the sexual act be most satisfying to both of them.

I really believe that an ostomy appliance has more impact on a gay man's sex life than a heterosexual man, as only we know how important image, physical engagement, and the climax is, and that we need to continue our sex life, whereas a non-gay male probably accepts that his sex life is gone forever.

Robb.

Oh really....

Hello.. I am new to this site after wandering around came across your 2013 letter... I would like to hear from you if it suits you, as I would like to know how you have managed these past 2 years. I know what you were saying in your letter as I have been through the same situation. We ostomate gay men certainly go through a massive change in our sex life as we seem to brand ourselves as "untouchable" if we don't then the man we want to have sex with certainly sees us as that. I miss a sex partner so much masturbating alone at home does nothing for me. However, what is, is we have to accept that our health is the most important thing to us. Hope you're in good spirits, would like to hear from you... cheers for now... Robb.

Oops, you are right. I did insert a thermometer once. At the time, I had a terrible cramp and I thought by inserting the thermometer it would stimulate contraction and discharge. It did not work. That is as far as I would ever go with inserting anything into my stoma.

Yes, that's so funny. Three

Hello, I'm new to the group. I actually joined because I saw your post.

I'm Daniel.

Hi

Hello... How are you? How long have you had your ostomy? Which do you have? I got a permanent colostomy Dec 2016.

Hey,

I've had a colostomy since I was 18, that was 41 years ago.

This can all be very scary, especially with the gay community's focus on physical perfection. I've had three wonderful relationships. The first was with an exercise physiologist (he was buff) he wasn't bothered by my pouch and made me feel much better about my physical self - that relationship lasted 6 years. Then a short one-year fling followed by another six-year relationship. Now my partner and I are at 20+ years.

What worked for me. I went the true dating route so we both could figure out if there was something in this from both of our perspectives. Then I just let things progress naturally. I didn't really have a discussion beforehand, I just let the sex part progress naturally after I cared for the person and he cared for me. This worked for me. One of my partners told me, "Because you weren't embarrassed, then I wasn't either, it was just part of the package of you."

We all have to make our own way and do what makes us feel comfortable, but it took me a bit before I truly felt comfortable with myself. Then things changed dramatically for me, I didn't feel a hidden sense of shame. The first time I went to a nude beach or used a gang shower at a gym was hard, but it was liberating.

Hope this is useful.

I've been there - right where you are now.

Mike Q

Send me a note.

Hi, I
I got an ileostomy from May 2018.
If anyone wants to communicate, my email is on my profile. I am a Scottish gay man living in Melbourne.
Victor

Hey

I got my ileostomy in June 1976 (I was 18 way back then).

Gay man living in Lancaster County, PA, USA.

I've had an ileostomy since before my first sexual experience. To be frank, the AIDS epidemic passed by me through a veil.

Best of luck

Mike Q

Oh, Mr. Q, all my surgery is nothing compared to a head cold and a chest infection. I want to die. My partner said I'm a drama queen and I want to punch his lights out. I hate life.

Sir,

You'll adjust to the situation. Generally, having an ostomy is better than the alternative, which in my case was dying.

Mine has not really prevented me from doing anything.

If you have questions, send me a note.

Check out my Facebook page.

Mike Quear

I have a partner too.

Hello

I am new to this forum, and it has been really interesting and inspiring reading some of the posts here.

I am a healthcare professional working in London, and a lot of my patients are dealing with similar issues, as well as some friends. I am trying to start a support group to help other people with these issues because I know from my friends that they often can't talk to their own healthcare professionals about this. Although I don't have IBD, I have IBS, which I struggled with for years and impacted my sex life, relationships, and mental health.

It would be great to hear from others who feel that a support group or meetup might be useful.

Hello

Gay man here for 42 years - since I was 18

Currently in a 20-year relationship

And had 2 long-term relationships prior.

Also was quite sporty - competitive rower, combined training rider and never felt constrained not to do activities.

Have any questions, send me a note.

Hope I can be of assistance.

Mike Q

Hi Mike, thanks for your message.

Actually, after the chest infection that lasted 2 weeks, I do now feel better. There is one thing though, from the time I had surgery 4 months ago, I have a real problem bending down then getting back up again. Maybe in time that will ease.

It seems to be my core where I had all the surgery. Possibly I'm just being impatient as I expect to feel better yesterday, lol.

I have returned to work, again.

My email address is in my profile, if that is easier to reply to.

Victor

Good for you re: work

Give your body some time to heal. This is a big surgery.

Yes. Our politicians are in a free fall.

However, I'm more worried about that wingnut that is supposed to be running America.

Scary times with him running things.

Here the real issue

Trump is the result - of many years of ugly Republican bigotry

He's not the instigator.

I know a bit of what I'm talking about

I retired in 2010

As a staff director on the Committee on Science and Technology in the US House of Representatives

I had my surgery in Feb of 2017. It has healed well and I am adjusting to the pouch system. One thing isn't happening and I need some input from some of you. My sex life is dead. I know I can't ejaculate because they took my bladder and my prostate gland in the surgery. But they assured me I would be able to get a hard-on or erection. My doctor put me on 2 different pills and they did not work. I am at a loss. Any suggestions or ideas? Danny

What is your doc saying now, about this issue? If he is a GI doc, you might want to see a urologist who likely has more expertise in this area.

Best,

Mike Q