Sex and Ostomies - A Non-Ostomate's Surprising Perspective

As you may have read in my other post, I have just started up a casual but sexual relationship with a man who I think has a colostomy or ileostomy (I don't have an ostomy). After reading a number of posts from people having trouble with dating and intimacy, whether self-confidence or crappy partners, and when to tell your date, I thought you might like to hear my perspective.

Firstly, it may surprise you to know that I've been to bed with this man twice recently and I still don't know for sure whether or not he has an ostomy! He kept his shirt on but under it, I glimpsed some sort of strapping or band around his waist. At first, I assumed it was some sort of athletic support for his back or stomach. I could see he subtly wanted to keep it covered, so I didn't mention it - just as I didn't want him to mention my fat, saggy tummy. It was only the fact that he has Crohn's and he said something about his butt being particularly clean - which I didn't think anything of at the time, but later put the three things together and wondered. So, then I googled Crohn's and colostomies.

This is a man I had a fling with 15 years ago, and when we caught up recently, the old attraction was still there and I went to bed with him - and his girlfriend. Assuming I'm correct about him having an ostomy, it doesn't make any difference to the lust I feel for him - he's still the sexiest man I've ever met, even with a pouch, and even though he is in his early sixties. (I'm 44) It obviously hasn't put off his girlfriend of 20 years either, nor his wife, nor the other women he occasionally beds!

Perhaps his luck(?) is unusual, but I hope this gives others hope that a full sex life after an ostomy is possible.

One more thing: If he had told me before we went to bed that he'd had a colostomy, I may have been turned/scared off - at least a little. (And if he'd told me he had an ileostomy, I would not have known what he was talking about.) I would have envisioned a big fat tube leading to a large handbag-sized bag of poo (even though nothing was visible). Sorry, but I would have imagined that to be a bit gross, even though examining and testing stool samples used to be part of my job. And I probably would have worried about the logistics of where that bag would be during sex - would it get in the way? Could it leak? Will I hurt him? And maybe, if I'm honest, maybe it would have made me think of him as a little less virile and older ( -hey he is 63 and I hadn't seen him for 15 years). But having been to bed with him before finding out, I know now it's not an issue. And having googled it, I now know the bags are small and discreet.

So maybe you don't need to tell your date/partner before you get intimate - maybe it's better if you don't. I would recommend you at least have some level of intimacy before you spill the beans so they can see you as sexy.

Just a thought from someone who probably knows absolutely nothing about what she's talking about!

Thank you for that insight

Kyra,

Thank you for sharing your experience. As ostomates, we rarely get to hear from the other side of the coin unless involved with someone. And even then, they may not be as forthcoming as you have been. I commend your detective skills, by the way.

In some of my previous posts, I've bragged about my sexual past before marriage. I've only had one person be uncomfortable with me being an ostomate. But all the others didn't even have a clue I had a pouch. I always told a potential sexual partner that I had the pouch from the get-go. By the time my clothes were coming off, they were so turned on that a pouch on me was the least of their concerns.

There were always questions about it which I was happy to answer. From your earlier post about if there was anything you had to worry about or be mindful of, I can only express from my own experience with my Q&A.

Q. Am I hurting you? A. Unless you are hitting me with barbed wire or a whip, no, you are not hurting me.
Q. Should I avoid touching or putting pressure on your stomach? A. No.... If I was fresh out of surgery, then it would be a different story.
Q. Will the pouch come off during the act? A. Not unless you are really determined to rip it off. The pouches I use are air/water tight and have no filter. Nothing wet or smelly is coming from the pouch unless I want it to.
Q. Do you still have a normal orgasm? A. Of course! There are misconceptions on how the pipes work. It was my stomach that had surgery, not my sex organs, but rest assured, my orgasms are normal and out of this world, and my partners will be too! *evil grin*
Q. Does it get in the way? A. Not really. I use a wrap during to keep it out of the way. But before I had the wrap, it sometimes got in MY way, so I started taping the lower part of the pouch folded up and out of the way.

But my story is probably different than a lot of other ostomates' stories. I have been VERY lucky that I have confidence and an "I don't give a shxt" attitude. I'm not cocky by any means, although it may sound like it. I'm sure there were several other questions I was asked that I just don't recall at this time.

As far as the man you're involved with now, he sounds like he's a regular gigolo. Sounds like he's a bit shy to share the ostomy information with you, but if you're satisfied with what you're getting, why even mention it to him? If it's not broke, don't fix it. If he wants to tell you about it, he will on his terms. Just my 2 cents.

Bain

Find out what kind of vitamins the old rascal takes and where he gets them, please!

LOL!

How to Manage Ostomy Leaks with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

Thanks, Bain! That's really helpful, and great to know there's really nothing for me to concern myself with.

Mega-points, MMSH!

Hi PB, my guess is he uses a double dose of Viagra.

X_

As the Bard once said, "The will is infinite and the execution confined." Too bad he didn't have the benefits of modern medicine. Let it thrive!

 PB

Hey Bain,

I love you! Your life experiences and outlook as an ostomate pretty much mirror mine. The biggest obstacle for a lot of ostomates is between their ears instead of between their legs! Vollovr

Vollovr,

I love you too!! And well said. I can understand the frustration of a lot of ostomates. Especially those who had to have emergency surgery and weren't prepped for it at all. It's probably quite a shock.

I was lucky as I keep stating. I had a WONDERFUL ET nurse who seemed to know more than most doctors. Initially, I was a little put off about having a bag on my gut. But I was more put off by not eating for the first week, liquid diet the second week, being let out of the hospital only to return 3 days later because an abscess had formed and having to stay ANOTHER 2 weeks. *sighs*

It seemed like I was in prison with altered visitation rights. But I was no longer in pain. No longer had the urge to rush to the bathroom and for the first time in years, I was in control of when I had to go to the bathroom, so to say. At first, I was using a douche bottle to rinse my ostomy out. I got tired of carrying that thing around with me and slowly learned that I really didn't need it.

I've been watching some of the "How to drain/change your ostomy" videos on YouTube and I've gotta say, I don't think some people had as great an ET nurse as I had. But whatever works for them. I plan on doing motovlogs and I might as well do some ostomy videos while I'm at it. I just have a feeling that people might really benefit from the way I drain/change my bag.

Bain

Hi Bain,

Yes, it is quite a shock when you go into the hospital for what they say is an intestinal infection and come out of surgery 4 hours later with a long stitch on your belly and an ostomy bag and all. Liquid diet, painkillers, and bed rest.

Yes, mine was done in September 2015 and had a second operation in January 2016. So I am also new to this ostomy thing. I use a 2-piece system and have disposable bags in the pouch. This makes it easier to empty and cleaner with no odor involved. They flush down the toilet so you do not have to carry a bottle to clean the pouch out. Just carry pouch liners. And unlike other women, I do not like to carry a large handbag with me, so the pouch liners hide well in your pocket.

It takes time to get used to, but you will.

Happy Holidays,

Lady Elf

Hey Kyra, based on the vital statistics you provided I think I figured it out.  This guy doesn't have an ostomy.  That strapping and banding under his shirt is to secure the hydraulic pump connected to his "thing".  The shirt helps with soundproofing.  The activities you describe suggest that device is working perfectly.  I'm gonna get one!

Mike

I think it's best to tell someone you're gonna get intimate with, but then again I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it and don't have a problem getting some. Don't like it, then get lost. Take a long walk off a short pier. Lol

What are the brands of your disposable pouches? That sounds like a great product!

Did I read that right? Him and his girlfriend? Forget the ostomy. We want to know the rest of the story. Just because we have this bag, we still love a happy ending!